Our wonderful author Jonathon Mast has come up with a fun post about authors. I don't think I've refused any story from Jon, as they are always full of life and vigor. Jon wrote the four stories that begin each genre section in A Celebration of Storytelling, available on December 1. We're also publishing his epic fantasy novel, The Keeper of Tales, on March 1, 2021. Jon's stories that we are publishing are based in stories themselves, so his advice about how to care for your author is pretty darn accurate!
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So, you've brought home your first author! Well, that little guy or girl will need some special care. It's a lot of work, but in the end, you'll find that having an author is a rewarding experience.
The first thing you need to know is that authors need sleep. They're not like toddlers that are constantly running all over the place! Make sure they've got a good, comfy place to lie down. You may think they sleep at unusual times, but don't disrupt them. They need that sleep to stay healthy!
Believe it or not, authors also need food. Authors eat a wide variety of foods. Some authors subsist on Mountain Dew and Taco Bell, while others require only coffee. Your author should be able to inform you as to his or her needs. Don't be afraid to ask!
Thankfully, most authors are litter trained.
You may think that's enough for your author. After all, you've provided housing, food, and toileting facilities, right? Alas, the typical author requires much more.
Like cats, the personalities of authors vary widely. Some need much time and attention. Others prefer to hide under the bed. Take time to get to know your author. All authors require a good amount of affection, though. Positive comments on their works in progress are always appreciated, as are congratulating them on their hard work.
Every author requires writing material, though. Yes, even yours. If your author doesn't, then I'm sorry, but you've not brought home an author. Perhaps you have kidnapped the Queen by mistake. You can determine this by the presence of Corgi dogs following her. Please return her at your earliest convenience; she will likely be missed.
You might be saying, "I know how to give food, but I don't know the first thing about writing materials!" Don't worry. Ask your author how they like to write. Some prefer pen and paper. Others require a laptop. Some few authors prefer scrawling on cave walls. If you have selected such an author but do not have an available cave, you may be able to substitute an unfinished basement.
When it comes to writing materials, the more, the better. Authors are known hoarders. Don't worry, this is not just normal but is also healthy for them. Pens, notebooks, computer software, Pinterest boards--as I said, the more, the better. All of those empty notebooks are places for their creative juices to flow. Authors frolic with such materials. If you want to have a happy author, it is always wise to indulge them in their need for supplies.
Even more than food and sleeping space, these writing materials will keep your author content and a productive member of your family. You may find that your author deposits short stories all over the house. Sometimes a full novel will suddenly appear in front of your bedroom door, much like a cat bringing a dead mouse or a bird to show its affection.
Your author will also likely require copious amounts of books. If possible, donate an entire room to the endeavor of having plenty of reading material. Authors can be finicky creatures, so have a wide range of books available. You may feel you're giving too much to your author, but it's worth it to have an author who is healthy. Just think of how jealous your neighbors will be when they see you have an author who is happy!
Please make sure your author gets outside on occasion. Many authors will initially resent you for making them leave their writing dens. They may even hiss or throw empty Pringles cans at you. Still, your author needs to see the sun on occasion for their own good. In fact, you'll find that afterward, their writing will often even increase in quality!
And almost more important than everything else, your author needs to be properly applauded for their efforts, so make sure you leave reviews for their good jobs. Some people consider reviews to be special treats, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Reviews will keep your authors happy and well-adjusted. Well, as well-adjusted as authors can be, anyway.
I hope you've found this brief author tutorial helpful. If you need any assistance, don't be afraid to talk directly to your author. We know they can be a fearsome species, but with some cookies and caffeine as a peace offering, we're sure you'll find yourself getting along splendidly with your new author.
~ Jonathon Mast
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